Being Afraid to Trust God

Lori was working on a few different topics for this section of the website. She wasn’t done editing most of them, but I read this recently and decided it would be good to post it for her without it being finished. So this is where it was when she became unable to finish:

If I say I fully trust God, that means that WHATEVER happens, good or bad, I will trust Him in the midst! There was a time in my life when I knew I wasn’t being fully open to Jesus. I struggled with this feeling (somewhat like a separation from God), so I finally confessed to Him that I could not actually pray with sincerity that God would do with me whatever he wants and that whatever happens in my life I already trust that it will be okay!I had to confess to Him because I felt like that part of me was causing a separation between me and God. I just told Him that I was dealing with fear and that I would be lying if I said I was prepared for anything. I left it at that and didn’t notice any sudden changes. 

However, a year later, I miscarried our second child, which was definitely a heartbreaking event. However, what I had imagined the emotional pain would be was greatly exaggerated compared to what I felt. I will never be able to definitively know why my anguish was diminished, but I have wondered if it was God who eased my pain sending swarms of people to encourage and pray for me. One very special experience was the new group to which I now belonged: women who had previously had a miscarriage(s). I was ministered to by women who shared their stories and how they overcame and saw blessings in the midst of the pain. Some mothers had experienced much worse circumstances yet they wanted me to know that a loss of a child is heartbreaking no matter what the stage.

Sharing and praying with these women who had grieved and grown closer to God through it created within me an appreciation for having experienced a miscarriage. First, I was privileged to have mentors and friends who taught me so much, and second, I now had another experience to grant me the ability to encourage future moms who miscarried (and one of my great passions in my life is to reach out to women and encourage and love them, listen to and pray for them. So, through all of this, I felt like my initial confession and prayer had been answered; I have no reason to fear what may happen, because when I trust God, He can bring blessings in the midst of sadness.